If I'm all grown up now, why do I feel so young?

At what point do we really feel grown up? I suppose I should ask what that even means. Back in undergrad, I tackled that looming question of what I want to be when I grow up. I was grown up. At least that’s what I felt at the time. I postulated on about how I finally WAS what I wanted to be. I was me. The answer wasn’t about my career. It was about being comfortable in my own skin. And I was pretty darn comfortable back then. Even if looking back now I see how self-conscious I was. Self-discovery is an ongoing process, I’ve discovered. It never ends. I’m just as comfortable with myself today as I was five years ago. And I’ve grown quite a bit since then. I suppose my issue with that question of what I want to be when I grow up is about the fact that I shouldn’t be sitting around waiting to BE. I should just be. NOW. Who I am today is just as important as who I am ten years from now. As is what I do. So why is it that at certain stages in my life, I find myself more or less confident and comfortable and sure. Circumstances I guess.

Here I am beginning an exciting journey in higher education. Back in school studying something I’ve been passionate about for years. Surrounded by students with similar ideals and faculty who genuinely seem to care about my potential. Yet I find myself sitting in every class questioning what I’m doing here. How did I get in to this Ivy league school? What qualifies me to sit beside my peers with such thought provoking questions and intellectual understanding? It’s a disturbing thing to be constantly question myself. And to be questioning where that confidence I once had has gone. It’s like moving from eighth to ninth grade and going from being the big fish down to the bottom of the rung. Except this time there’s no freshmen Fridays with fears of wedgies and toilet dunking. But the insecurity is the same.

Maybe these stages never end. Maybe I never get to a place where I never feel doubt. Maybe if I do it means I’ve stopped being and growing and developing. Maybe complete comfort and confidence is a sign of passive life and eventual burnout. Maybe I need to hunger for these stages where I’m not entirely on top. Because they will take me to the next place, the next stage, the next level where I can get to the next learning moment. And maybe in the meantime I just need to hold on, work hard, and remember that I’ve been here before and I won. I overcame the insecurity and the doubt. I became the smiling sophomore, the spirited junior, and the leading senior owning the halls of the high school that had first made me want to crawl into bed and hide.

I did it then and I became stronger. I’ll do it again. And again. And hopefully many times again before I end.

The only limits on what I can be when I grow up are the limits I place myself.