You Look at me and see the girl
Who lives inside the golden world
But don’t believe
That’s all there is to see
You’ll never know the real me
Hmm
She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity, yeah
And hides herself inside of me
Don’t say, “She takes it all for granted”
I’m well aware of all I have
Don’t think that I am disenchanted
Please understand
It seems as though I’ve always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well, here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can’t take my heart from me
And they can’t bring me to my knees
They’ll never know the real me
Mariah Carey, Looking In
My favorite song. I sang this everyday. To myself. In my head. Out loud. Listening to it over and over. Wondering how Mariah Carey put words to my every inner hurt and need.
Somebody outside looking in.
A window stained with tears I’d shed.
A smiling face. A golden world. Success and happiness. No reason to worry.
That’s what was on the outside. That’s what people saw.
Inside was the fear. Inside was the loneliness. Inside were the tears. No one could see them. No one could see me.
In fifth grade, I did a class project. Ceramic face images of ourselves. I made two. The top one was me – blonde hair, green eyes, my papa’s big smile.
The one beneath, smaller, sadder, crying.
I drew a picture. One side was sunshine and flowers. The other side was storm clouds and rain. My sister saw it and cried. She hugged me fiercely to her. I told her I was okay. I could handle it.
I knew how I felt. I knew who I was. I knew why I struggled and why I was sad. I knew no one got me and I was okay. I knew I was stronger. Stronger than what, or who, I don’t know. The loneliness? The fear? The anger or sadness? But I knew I would win. I knew that I really was alright.
And I was.
I’m well aware of all I have.
They can’t take my heart from me.
Please understand.
I don’t have a favorite song today. Maybe nothing can match what this song once was. When I look at these words, when I think what it meant to me. It almost makes me sad. Almost, because the sadness that made me love this song is overshadowed by the fact that whatever the writer of this song thought or meant, it meant to me that I wasn’t alone. Someone understood. Someone knew what I felt. Someone else could put it into words. The world around me spun, but someone, somewhere got me and wrote this song.
To write like that is a gift. A gift we probably won’t ever know we have. To know that something we say. Something we write. Something we do. Has such a profound and powerful influence on someone else. That is an awesome possibility.
I am thankful to say today that Mariah’s song no longer holds the same meaning for me. I no longer hide behind a veil of happiness or cry unshed tears. I am thankful today that people know me for who I am. I no longer feel the burden of shielding myself from others’ eyes. I am thankful today that this song was there for me when I needed it. And I am thankful today that it may be there for you when you think you are the only one standing on the other side of the window looking in. You are not alone. And you can be stronger.
Who lives inside the golden world
But don’t believe
That’s all there is to see
You’ll never know the real me
Hmm
She smiles through a thousand tears
And harbors adolescent fears
She dreams of all
That she can never be
She wades in insecurity, yeah
And hides herself inside of me
Don’t say, “She takes it all for granted”
I’m well aware of all I have
Don’t think that I am disenchanted
Please understand
It seems as though I’ve always been
Somebody outside looking in
Well, here I am for all of them to bleed
But they can’t take my heart from me
And they can’t bring me to my knees
They’ll never know the real me
Mariah Carey, Looking In
My favorite song. I sang this everyday. To myself. In my head. Out loud. Listening to it over and over. Wondering how Mariah Carey put words to my every inner hurt and need.
Somebody outside looking in.
A window stained with tears I’d shed.
A smiling face. A golden world. Success and happiness. No reason to worry.
That’s what was on the outside. That’s what people saw.
Inside was the fear. Inside was the loneliness. Inside were the tears. No one could see them. No one could see me.
In fifth grade, I did a class project. Ceramic face images of ourselves. I made two. The top one was me – blonde hair, green eyes, my papa’s big smile.
The one beneath, smaller, sadder, crying.
I drew a picture. One side was sunshine and flowers. The other side was storm clouds and rain. My sister saw it and cried. She hugged me fiercely to her. I told her I was okay. I could handle it.
I knew how I felt. I knew who I was. I knew why I struggled and why I was sad. I knew no one got me and I was okay. I knew I was stronger. Stronger than what, or who, I don’t know. The loneliness? The fear? The anger or sadness? But I knew I would win. I knew that I really was alright.
And I was.
I’m well aware of all I have.
They can’t take my heart from me.
Please understand.
I don’t have a favorite song today. Maybe nothing can match what this song once was. When I look at these words, when I think what it meant to me. It almost makes me sad. Almost, because the sadness that made me love this song is overshadowed by the fact that whatever the writer of this song thought or meant, it meant to me that I wasn’t alone. Someone understood. Someone knew what I felt. Someone else could put it into words. The world around me spun, but someone, somewhere got me and wrote this song.
To write like that is a gift. A gift we probably won’t ever know we have. To know that something we say. Something we write. Something we do. Has such a profound and powerful influence on someone else. That is an awesome possibility.
I am thankful to say today that Mariah’s song no longer holds the same meaning for me. I no longer hide behind a veil of happiness or cry unshed tears. I am thankful today that people know me for who I am. I no longer feel the burden of shielding myself from others’ eyes. I am thankful today that this song was there for me when I needed it. And I am thankful today that it may be there for you when you think you are the only one standing on the other side of the window looking in. You are not alone. And you can be stronger.
No comments:
Post a Comment